Parenting: What To Do When Children Cry

Have you ever listened, really listened to how we parent? This is under no circumstances a judgment or criticism…God knows we don’t need anything more to beat ourselves up about. It is really an observation. We have learned you will never change things you are not aware of. So, it can help to pay attention and look very closely.

I was inside the store a few days ago and a child was crying loudly, convincingly, and from my perspective with a lot to do, little time to do it and battling a monstrous headache, annoyingly. I, like his worn-out mother, attempting to do way way too much in a short space of time, with little patience felt drained because of the incessant sobbing. So, just attempting to get through the store in one piece (her and her child), this mother tries to convince the child that he is fine. Well, we all know how that goes. It doesn’t usually fair well, for either party. Kids who are crying typically do not want to be talked out of their feelings.

We do it anyway.

It made me stop and think. If this were me, what would I do? Conversely, in the event that I were feeling something incredibly intense (as this child was obviously feeling), what would i need to listen to or what would i would like? Over the next few days, I started to pay attention to other parents, and mostly, myself. How many times did I strive to talk my own children out of their feelings (“You’re not sad, you’re just hungry.” Etc.). What would happen if I listened, really listened and just acknowledged whatever they were feeling?

I used these concepts a great deal, both at home and in my practice. But, I noticed there are some emotions I personally was a bit uncomfortable with and needed to wrestle around with the thought that maybe, just maybe my daughter “hating” something was just the strongest word she had to use in her own vocabulary and it was ok to express this. I do know I’ve had some intense feelings about people and situations before.

At the store, I witness a toddler get mildly hurt and begin to howl. The mommy, for all her best attempts to silence the blood-curling screams, was unsuccessful. Passing by, I look into the little tear-pooled eyes and say, “Ouch. That hurts.” He stopped crying, looked at me as if he was unsure what should be done with those words and picked up the toy in his lap. His mother looked at me, a smile and a unspoken “thank you” as I touched her arm and said, “We’re all in this together! You’re doing great!” and walked on.

I hope when I’m during a mess with my child, there will be someone with a little better vantage point for me.

Maybe if we can look closely enough, stop talking long enough, we might listen to what exactly is really going on. Yea, often it is only a tired and cranky child. It happens…to all of us. Sometimes, they are actually attempting to tell us something else.

Like slow down…listen, stop, see me, and really hear me before I’m all grown up and stop asking you to pay attention.

Funny, that’s when we would like them to speak with us. Only they have learned very well from us how not to listen.

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